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Ben & Matt's Hard To Find Headlines

Friday September 5th, 2008

Buddhist monk suffers instant karma after trying to eradicate a hornets nest in his temple with a torch, he eradicates the temple instead.

NYC woman grows massive 6 foot zucchini in her backyard.

10 Tennessee cats rescued from house fire that they started.

Oregon family racks up a $19,370 cell phone bill after taking a trip to Canada. Damn data roaming.

Texas woman finds TIO-TVM on a grape.

A gang of unruly ‘milk-thugs’ is being sought after surrounding a woman in a London suburb and dousing her with 16 pints of milk before running away.

Texas man in a wheel chair and wielding a bat robs a convenience store of prophylactics and energy drinks.

The city of Cairns, Australia is on high alert after the increase of attacks at the hands of an angry mob of wallabies.

A German nudist has vowed to never stop hiking in the nude despite having just been released from jail for it.

An 82 y/o Pennsylvania man has been dubbed the ‘Fast Fingered Fanny Pack Filching Octogenarian’ after he was caught by casino cameras filching a fanny pack.

Thursday September 4th, 2008

Nebraska gun shot victim forced to sue the city to get his $29,000 prosthetic leg back after it was being held as evidence.

Cross dressing purse snatcher in Florida leaves a fake breast at the scene.

Heroin addicted elephant in Beijing emerges clean and sober after a 3 year detox program.

New York school bus driver suspended after getting lost in Brooklyn for 5 hours with about a dozen kids on board.

Waffle House museum is open for business in Atlanta.

Forever putting the TIOJ to shame, Modesto police help deliver baby Jesus at a California gas station… Oh, whoops, that’s Jesus (Hay-sues). Nevermind.

8 year old Ocala, Florida boy busted with over $800 in counterfeit $20 bills but not before gambling on the back of the bus and handing out bills like skittles.

San Jose teacher suspended after being caught teaching her elementary school class while twice the legal limit.

A Battlecreek, Michigan high school running back follows up his first touchdown game by catching four people who were jumping from a burning building.

Wednesday September 3rd, 2008

A Florida millionaire ‘rich uncle’ type has a requirement if his family hopes to earn any of his inheritance. They must attend a lavish birthday party for him every year. The twist? He’s been dead for 10 years.

NYC man arrested after his e-bay stolen bra selling empire that netted him over $80,000 was brought down by authorities.

A Gilbert cat is alive today after surviving a 2 ½ hour 70 mile trip under the spare tire of his owner’s truck. In other news, traffic must have been terrible.

“Humble Bob” Shoudt has bested Joey Chestnuts in the Cincinnati Chili Championships eating 11.5 pounds of chili and spaghetti.

A 23 y/o Georgia jay walker has learned that it’s not a good idea to moon the officer that just ticketed you.

Two Florida teens that attempted to beat and rob a paraplegic man in his home got more then they bargained for when his able bodied friend who was sleeping in the back room woke up and opened a can on them. (Great mug shots)

A Tampa, FL carjacker thoroughly regretted his choice of hiding places after hiding in a porta-potty which his robbery victim discovered and promptly tipped over.

An Iowa man pulled over for drunk driving unsuccessfully attempted to bribe the arresting officer with…… Jimmy John’s sandwiches.

Tuesday September 2nd, 2008

Hundreds in Russia participated in the Bubble Baba challenge over the weekend, where adults ride blow up dolls down treacherous rapids.

Pennsylvania man claims to have seen over 100 UFOs since June claiming that contact is just around the corner!

As if flood waters and alligators weren’t enough, Floridians now dealing with mass buzzard invasions in flood ravaged areas.

NY man charged after kicking a door in, creeping into the owner’s bedroom and licking her ear.

The English pottery community crowned it’s latest Pottery Queen in Liverpool after she delivered a riveting speech on the pottery industry and knocked ‘em dead in the evening gown competition.

72 y/o PA man has every square inch of his home covered in beer memorabilia. Yes, he’s married and his wife approves.

A Florida man claiming he was frequently run off the road, has outfitted his lowrider with a train horn that is louder then a 747 taking off and known to cause hearing loss.

Michigan couple cut right to the chase and get married in a funeral home.

An 84 y/o Nigerian man has announced that he will divorce 82 of his 86 wives.

Friday August 29th, 2008

Police in Maine are on the look out for a man who pulled to the side of the road, exited his vehicle with his pants on fire, removed them and left them smoldering on the side of the road before driving off.

Keeping with the UK dogs swallow large objects trend, a 7 month old Staffordshire terrier from Leamington managed to swallow an entire rubber duck.

Washington hair stylist campaigning to clean up her county’s image by offering to cut off any mullets free of charge.

Two over the hill former mayors of a small Ohio town both wind up in the hospital after they got into a fight following a primary election. They both have heart conditions.

Tokyo man found to be living with more than 50 deadly species of illegal snakes after his pet Black Mamba bit him requiring hospitalization.

PA woman suing her small town after she was denied a permit to open her pole dancing studio.

An 18/mo old baby in Brazil has survived a 30 foot fall out an open window after his diaper caught on hook sticking out from the wall near the ground. Ta-Da!

Georgia man facing a possible 12 years in prison and $24,000 in fines because his Beagles and Basset Hounds won’t stop barking.

A cat with wings has been discovered in China.

Thursday August 28th, 2008

European airliner forced to make an emergency landing after a can of mushroom soup began leaking on a highly allergic passenger.

Legendary Swedish sea monster reportedly caught on film.

Iowa man takes 5 people hostage after an altercation, is caught after sending two of his hostages on a beer run.

Washington man destroys his van and a house after attempting to siphon someone’s gas with an electric vacuum.

UK family run out of their home after husband inadvertently returns from Afghanistan with a giant camel spider that killed the dog and is now on the loose.

64 y/o Maine woman tells a judge she’d rather go to jail then ever return the lewd and lascivious library book about sexual maturity and STDs that’s poisoning our children.

21 y/o London woman manages to swallow one of the three large nails that came free in her box of macaroni. (Nice X-Ray pic)

Wisconsin man does what we’ve all been dreaming about. He built a 5 seater Harley Davidson complete with a beer keg.

Wednesday August 27th, 2008

A troop of Arkansas firefighters returned from successfully dousing a blaze only to discover their fire station was on fire.

A would be Chicago convenience store robber demonstrates how to fail miserably after first shooting himself and then being stabbed in the back by the clerk before giving up.

A Florida man, upset over Michelle Obama’s speech on Monday, decided to air his frustration by running around his RV waving a gun and screaming before imbibing in a 6 hour standoff with police.

A hard working Michigan man who had spent two years saving $1200 in cash for a Christmas trip to Disneyworld with his family, decided hiding it in the DVD case for ‘Sin City’ was a good idea. It was, until his wife sold it for $10.

Mystery lights above the small village of Tumby Woodside in England have all the townspeople abuzz.

NJ man claims to have invented the unbreakable wooden baseball bat. Barry Bonds shakes his head in disagreement.

Italian chefs are giving away more then 5000 free pizzas tomorrow to protest the commercial price gouging of the pies, claiming the best pizza should not cost over 6.00.

UK woman shocked when her 3 year old opened her Happy Meal and discovered a package of toxic cleaner for the milk shake machine.

California man facing 5 years after trying to help his father into a nursing home by hitting him over the head with a hammer. Twice.

After much pressure from the leaders of the Catholic church, the Italian priest has been forced to cancel the Nun Beauty Pageant.

Tuesday August 26th, 2008

Authorities in Miami discover over 200 marijuana plants in a sophisticated grow operation… at the Mall of Americas.

N.J. puppy with an attitude scares off 3 bears that invaded her backyard.

Florida man pulls a knife after he is denied butter at a church buffet.

Australian elementary schools banning cartwheels and handstands to help protect our brittle and fragile children.

A father in Papua New Guinea accidently chopped off his sons hand while they were fighting over bananas. Claims he was just trying to slash him on the head.

Conneticut little league has banned a team from finishing their 8-0 season because their 9 y/o pitcher is too good and intimidates the other teams. Their 7 y/o pinch base runner, Usain Bolt, also mentioned in the complaint.

With the Olympics having ended, the worlds sporting attention turns to England where 23 y/o Coner Murphy has won gold in the World Bog Snorkeling Championships.

A Jersey City man on his way home early Monday morning walked over a half mile before realizing, “Hey, I’ve been shot in the knee.”

A Kentucky politician spent 3 days in jail after his bad joke went terribly wrong. Evidently it’s no longer okay to offer a stranger a fattened hog in exchange for her two young nieces.

Monday August 25th, 2008

Italian priest organizes an online beauty pageant for nuns to combat the stereotype that they’re all old and ugly.

KU fires it’s debate coach after he lost his cool during a debate and resorted to the taboo shouting and mooning technique.

Not to be outdone by last weeks TIOJ/TIOAD combo, the image of the Virgin Mary appears, this time convinceingly in the bark of a tree somewhere in Canada.

Florida man shocked when the undercover cop posing as a prostitute wouldn’t accept his 2 cent offer for sex. Not even when he threw in his lighter and bicycle into the deal, at which point he was arrested.

12 y/o Louisiana boy who lost his arm to a gator refuses to have his new robotic arm covered in a skin-like material because he wants to look like the terminator. My kind of kid.

Reminder: When a deputy police officer offers you assistance while you’re wandering around your parked car, “I’m high on mushrooms, dude!” is not an advisable response. Even if it’s true.

Indiana church threatened to have their permit revoked after receiving 10 noise violations halfway through their 30 days of outdoor midnight prayer sessions. Neighbor quoted saying “I’d never be allowed to have a party for 31 days straight in my backyard.”

UK family discovers the image of their 6 y/o nephew in a potato.

Friday August 22nd, 2008

20 y/o Wisconsin woman arrested at her home and taken to jail for failure to pay a $30 library fine.

Florida deputies forced to tase an unruly escaped emu who wouldn’t stop hanging out with horses and goats.

Bikini clad baristas in Washington fight back against a chronic flasher by dousing him with boiling hot water.

North Carolina man catches record breaking catfish with his daughter’s 2 ½ foot Barbie fishing pole.

Texas man warning others after falling for the ol’ ‘stranger walks up and says "I have $80K, will give you $10K to donate the rest to charity. But first ... show me some of your own money so I know I can trust you.” scam.’

Residents of a Florida neighborhood warned to stay indoors because… A 500LB TIGER IS LOOSE AND HUNGRY!

German students invent the worlds fastest motorized office chair. Quickly have it confiscated by police.

A 75 y/o Canadian pensioner credits his admiration for boxer Ricky Hatton for giving him the strength to knock out cold the crow bar wielding meth head that attempted to rob him.

Follow-up: Remember that couple that won the lottery in two different stores at the same time? Yeah, they did it again. Husband claims to have developed a ‘system’.

Ending on a high note, a Nevada dog named Angel has been credited with the rescuing a box full of 3 week old kittens. Awwwww.

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